down but not out

i wake only to surrender. emotionally drained. mentally beaten up. to salvage any dignity just seems like a lost cause. stripped away of every reason to lead. yet i look for hope because it's all i have left in my life.

Hope This.

Looking for hope in others sometimes is a futile attempt. Sadly this statement is only true for those who choose not to change for the better. I've met him in a co-worker that people shouldn't feel sorry toward for whatever reason. For the longest time I've foolishly defended and befriended him.

Then all I saw was someone who wants to get away with doing the easy tasks at work. I've stopped being the grand marshal of his pity parade a lifetime ago. Nine months from now a ex-coworker friend of mine will learn a very tough lesson the hard way. People can only do so much to help yet in the end they can only help themselves.

Among the many things I've learned after learning about the helper profession is that you can't allow yourself to fall into just one role. My own benchmark of experience taught me a lot of how I plan to be a good mentor toward others. When I leave to a better life the only thing I know is everything will for the best. Now when I look back, I look forward to a better tomorrow.

Like Tetris

For a very long time I didn't know where to belong. Looking at the future that I want, I realised I've spent nine years in a dead end job that goes no where. Yet I knew my place leading others at work never for myself as an individual. Little did I know the hands of Fate would send a better path.

Everything in life is like the game 'Tetris' with it's twists and turns. Somehow everything fits a certain way, problems become eventually solved. But along the way some of us can get stuck with attempting to make everything fit only because we don't see the solution.

After you crash and burn, we get a chance to start all over again. Only difference between the two is that real life has an ending.

Cork the WoW Genie

Today I've found out that I can ween away from Facebook and to a certain extent WoW for a long period of time. But to ween away from porn seems harder than it looks. One of the things I've learned is that WoW has filled in the blanks for the lack of social life, helped control my rage and most importantly abstain from constantly thinking about sex.

Essentially 'World of Warcraft' was the answer how to deal with all of my social problems in the real world. Now I need certain outlets for everything that WoW conveniently provided in the past. SHOOT ME NOW! The hard part at this time is stop constantly thinking about sex more than I know have been in the past.

The good news is that I've matured a bit from this experience. However while I was playing WoW, there was self-control over everything that I did. Sometimes I wonder of how I mentally survived this long prior to being part of the MMORPG community. Only thing I know is that I endured with everything that I did because I am a survivor.

How To Lead

What I've learned about being a leader is that sometimes you can't always be seen as the hero. Lord knows I tried that approach including being the villain, mentor and even the diplomat. Quite honestly truth is a good leader has to be all these roles.

A hero is a role model, someone you look up to. Yet there are people that want to take advantage of good natured hearts. The villain knows how calculate, stay focused and even be a few steps ahead but tends to underestimate their opponent. Mentor figures have benchmark experience giving advice to others. For the diplomat needs to be a friend to everyone.

Somewhere in the mix you also need to have build a reputation that garners up respect from your peers. For me it was having some of them knowing I was creating 'fear' if crossed the wrong way. Everything that I learned from experience is that not everything is going to be black and white, being an alpha dog isn't always necessary and you can't allow people walk all over you when trying diplomacy among your peers.

But in the end of everything that I've learned from being a leader including making sure not underestimate someone who will always question your judgement, make them into an example of why you should lead. Set aside the lack of experience for a moment, always show confidence. This is how I l learned to become a leader.

My experiences of how to lead was nothing more but trail and error. In the end, the best advice is learn from your own mistakes while drawing strength from believing in yourself. As a leader the only thing you can trust is yourself with everything you do. When in doubt, listen to your heart and everything will somehow eventually fall into place. Remember it was Fate that chose the ones meant to create order from chaos, these are the ones meant to lead.

The Stupid War

If there was one wish it would be to have intelligent conversations with people for as long as live. Nearly every so often I am being seamlessly bombarded with petty arguments with my mother and stupid questions from co-workers. On the bright side, I'm learning to ignore comments from ignorant minds.

Sometimes I just want be left alone. However the career description of a child and youth worker involves solving petty disagreements, being open minded towards any scenario and most importantly constant interaction with other people. Being a misanthrope is the opposite solution. Yet it seems my only solution seems to be having less interaction with people during my days off.

Maybe the Fates have a sense of humor.

The Whatever Weekend

HOLY BOREDOM BATMAN! It seems like forever since I've been to a comic convention. When I stepped inside I thought it would be somewhat familiar ground. Geez... was I ever wrong. One step inside it was overwhelming to see many people in just one place.

A sea of people were everywhere moving about like a waves crashing onto every possible direction. Upon first thought was hopes to see people in costume. One of the best kept secrets of Winnipeg is that fanboys and fangirls galore are large in number and converge in droves.

For one whole weekend the convention centre has an army of nerds, geeks and cosplayers in one area. But I got there it seemed the plethora of costumers were little in number. However I was very much glad to see someone dressed as Mrs. Dr. The Monarch. If I didn't know better I'd swear there was a part of me that wanted to know her.

But the Fates had tired me out quickly from being surrounded by so many tables selling various merchandise. Also, it was more than obvious what's happening to me, I've started to 'outgrow' the collecting aspect and once again became the avid reader. Yet, there was one thing I still yearn for.

If I should have my first sincere relationship, I would like to be in one that involves someone coming along with me to a comic convention at least once. Understanding this from my perspective, it would mean her willingness to commit toward a part of my identity. When it comes to her turn, I accept the role vice versa when the time comes. This is what I learned today as I saw couple holding hands, family members spending quality time with each other and their children and so forth.

These moments remind me of when I once an Ally guild leader on another server while playing WoW. At one time a few real life married couples joined my guild, chatting online about their family life. For a brief while I was once part of what seemed to becoming a family guild. As I ponder about these things, a part of me wants to be a part of that kind of a couple.

Next dawn comes and I think about many things like what to do next. Earlier my thoughts have turned toward fencing. Several years have passed much too long since the Fates (or in this case my mother) denied me a chance to partake in this sport. Maybe at one point I might have been an Olympic medallist. Past few months I have matured long enough hopefully into possibly a world contender.

For now I am becoming master of my own Fate, the one I create for myself.

First Day of Nothing

Yesterday I just got the news that my course at Red River Community College got cancelled at the last minute. Although I'm disappointed about what has transpired I also have to stop and think about what to do next. Originally my plan was to be devoid of any possible social distractions so that I may become focused more on my education.

However if the Fates have their way I'll be attending school in January. My only concern at this time if I begin dating, there's a good chance of a relationship eventually being strained thus leading to failing grades. Then again I don't want to surrender a good opportunity to be happy. All in all, the only thing I know is to live in the now and enjoy the moment, que sera sera.

the rain of a lost hero

it rains. hear the echo of a hero yet reluctant. to save a princess his attention whore. leave her with the villain. alone he returns to be king with a loving queen.

next door. use magic transform the distant whore into true love. wife, mother and lover begins to lust for more love.

last door. princess learns to be the queen. hero leaves. she returns to him. now a whore for his love.

hear the rain again. little angels are crying of misery.

New Slate

Every so often I am finding myself starting a new slate while letting go of everything. Is this my Fate? All I have left is holding on what I need in my life. Going 'cold turkey' away from both Facebook and WoW for eleven weeks isn't going to be easy but I feel this is what I need to do. The only thing I am certain of is that I've done cold turkey from one or the other for the longest time during the summer.

Maybe this will be something of a cake walk or maybe not. Did I mention that I'll also try to completely give up pornography for keeps? Yep. Out of all the uncertainties in my life the one thing I want and need is a good and clear mind without any distractions.

Goodbye Gulo

Today is the first day I give up 'World Of Warcraft' cold turkey not by choice. Starting next week as I become a student once again there's a part of me that feels reluctant to make all of these sacrafices. If there's one think about is the long term investment as a student.

On this day I give up my social life for a better education and a career path. The one thing I am certain is that all of this is for the better. For a very long time the only way people are going to contact me will be either via postal or telephone. Honestly, the last thing I want is to have all of those months of learning to be a sociable person and creating those new friendships seem like a waste of time.

I value those moments and their friendship with a great deal of love. Along the way I hope to create more new friends among the new online guild that I joined last month. Somewhere in my heart the only thing I know is the friends I have in my life are going to support me in spirit while I surrender the social life that I want. For as long as I have friends I will never be alone.

One Long Wait

My little world became interesting because Fate somehow found a way. Recently I've once again crossed paths with with my 'bus buddy'.
She always finds a way to be a reminder this is the girl that should be my girlfriend. Yet I stop and think of I want to have as the special person in my life.

I want to be with someone that's flirtatious, humorous, warm heart, smiling and gregarious. For the longest time it seems like forever since I've met someone like her. Even though my breaking heart was mended by a friend and ready to move on there's something I know have to do. As much as I would like to have a relationship with someone because my education will be top priority.

One Last Villian

Last night after watching an episode of "Futurama" it had me realize that I need to let go of the past. But it's much too hard for me to handle alone. Instead the best thing I can do is tell a story that doesn't have a happy ending.

Once upon a time six years ago was the beginning of a golden age in my life or as 'golden' as it was when the WCC (Winnipeg Convention Centre) had employees that also worked the Delta Hotel 'next door'. In a way I met the ultimate girl-next-door that was sculpted of spanish perfection in every way possible.

Never in my life did I there would be a girl that would be interested in me or for that matter felt so close to my heart. As co-workers she would always make the first move, show interest and grew closer to the point we would share a table whenever we ate. But I didn't know what to make of this.

Fast forward past towhen i had the courage to ask her out I remember her ears perked up with her smile. But Fate stepped in and it was much too late. She made herself busy with everything else in her life. When I found out that she was going to Spain for a year that was when everything changed.

Lord knows I've tried the long distance relationship bit. But someone that was also somewhat interested in me found a way into duping me to destroy all that I worked hard for. The only thing I have left to remind me of her as a friend is the movie we made together with another co-worker.

Whenever I walk into 'Sargent Sundae', an ice cream parlour on Portage Avenue and Overdale Street, I'm always reminded the last time I thought everything might be okay between a few good friends. It's the one and only fond memory I have left which I want to remember. Maybe someday I'll find the strength to move past all of this.

Six years later this wounded heart has yet to find someone to heal it. Looking back, I'm trying my best to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. All in all, she was my favorite mistake. Today I make this vow:

"Whomsoever opens their heart to me, I shall do the same."